Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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