I'm lost and stupid without you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
