Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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