i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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