I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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