Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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