You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
