How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
