Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
