Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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