I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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