This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
