There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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