to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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