Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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