We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
