Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
