I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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