A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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