My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
