I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
