I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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