im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
