Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
