By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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