i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Shame - the story of my life.
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