Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize