so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize