alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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