Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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