Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
