nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
