Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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