First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
