I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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