umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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