I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
