he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
