I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
