Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
