dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
