I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
