Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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