I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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