At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
