i don't like sucking hair
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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