I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
