we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
