I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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