Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
