i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
