I am spending my child support on dildos
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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