youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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