I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
