Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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