I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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