I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
