this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
