hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
