When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
