FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
