Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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