She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
